Congelada

by Laura on April 10, 2012

I wrote this one night last week, Thursday or Friday I believe.  One night when I started freaking out and wanting to run away because we were having another show.  I decided to wait until the the next day to publish it.  The next day came and I didn’t.  So, I’m posting it now, after the fact.  (Oh, and there are several audio links in the reflection at the bottom of this post..)

We’ve had all week to work on the show.

But I’ve felt FROZEN.

Congelada.  I’ve found any excuse not to practice, not to get the help I wanted from Ricardo…  At first I didn’t know why.  I just decided I was lazy.

I only went through things in my head.  I know, I know, that’s an important way of practicing.

Ricardo is sharp.  He is fast.  He is precise.  He is intense.   He sweats.  He puts it all out there.  I don’t understand how he does this.  I don’t do this.

And I feel lazy.

And I hear this voice saying, “Who are you pretending to be?”  It’s the same voice says I have no business being up there with him… And that I am lazy.

Perhaps.

But I realized something.  I feel completely overwhelmed.  Agobiada.  As lucky as I am, as happy as I am to be having this experience, I feel so incapable of doing what he’s asking of me, so ridiculous to be performing with someone of his level, that I don’t want to do anything.

“STOP EXPECTING ME TO DO THINGS I CANNOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I want to scream at him.  Instead I tell him I am incapaz.

He doesn’t like it when I say that.

Like when I would tell Mercedes ”No puedo.”  ”Intenta,” is how she would respond.  “Try.  Ricardo says that too.  A lot.  Hmm.  I suppose they’re on to something.

I want to adjust my attitude.  I want to look at things differently.

It is ok that I am me.

But I need to BE me and do it, as me.

If I could get away with only walking around and looking intensely at him for the entire show, I would.

But I can’t, that’s not enough.

And now I’m dwelling on all of the wasted time.  Why didn’t I dance with my star this week?  But dwelling will not help me.  And what in the world is wasted time anyway?  I’m not sure that I actually  believe in that concept.

And, as usual, I’ve gotten hung up on other people’s expectations.  Even though I have no idea what people expect.

Take Ricardo for instance

I decided he expected a lot of me.  I decided that he expected more than I am capable of doing.  I don’t even want to dance in front of him because I feel I am just

disappointing, disappointing, disappointing.

I am loca.  I know that.

And then I am feeling mad at him for making me perform with him.

I am loca.  I know that!  He is not making me do anything.  And I could have asked for more help had I wanted to.  Or I could have said no. “No, I won’t perform with you.”  Though that really would have been crazy.

So, after all of that, we’re on for Sunday, the house concert will happen.  And I want to remember the best piece of advice he’s given me which is to pasarlo bien.  To have a good time.

And now a reflection

Ok, so Sunday happened, and many things went wrong.

But many things went right as well.  Lamiae’s singing was breathtaking.  Nat’s playing was beautiful.  Ricardo’s dancing was amazing.  People liked being up close.  They liked hearing the sound of nails on the stage and hearing the breathing.  Things flowed.  And, most importantly, we had a good time.

Actually, it was hard not to once we got going and especially after the show getting to visit with all of the guests.   Familiar faces and new faces, (even some people who read this blog…)  This was amazingly fun.  Laughing and eating together.  Making music together…a little juerga formed later in the evening with Toshi & Kuma playing cajón, Nat on guitar, Paul & Lamiae singing, and many people dancing and doing palmas…

And I learned, a lot.  On Sunday, and over the past three weeks with Ricardo here.  More on that to come.  Until then, we’re back to regular classes starting this Wednesday.  And…we’re in for another taste of Spain the final weekend in May with Emilio Ochando.

As usual, I’d love to hear from you.  Thoughts on performing, on laziness, on having a good time?  Feel free to leave a comment here.

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

brennita April 27, 2012 at 8:36 am

Sometimes i feel “lazy” like this with dance when I am in the “fire,” in Espana, or Albuquerque. When the intensity level goes up a notch and I get down on myself because I feel like I am not going with it. I think this is a trick my mind plays and has to do with what I imagine for myself as a dancer and the reality which is quite a bit different (thank god!). Laura you are lightyears away from lazy and we know it! You busted ass, learning new choreographies in a tiny amount of time and then performing them stunningly and artistically. Maybe you will always imagine more for yourself because you are an artist. Ole tu, bailaora hermosa!!!

Laura April 27, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Gracias, Brenna for your words of encouragement and for acknowledging having similar feelings…It helps to know we’re not alone!!!

celeste April 28, 2012 at 3:05 pm

loved what you wrote: And what in the world is wasted time anyway? I’m not sure that I actually believe in that concept…and i agree with that too!
i know the feeling you describe…you probably have a tape playing in your head from childhood. Remember what (i think it was)Nelson Mandala said: we are too wonderful! we fear, needlessly, because of that. Keep dancing, stop thinking!! ;-)

Laura April 29, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Olé..

“keep dancing, stop thinking,” I love that!

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